I went on my first ever date in early December of 2020, we met on a dating app and hung out in person. I was ultimately very disappointed but it was a good learning experience and I got that life experience over with. I learned a lot about what I don’t want in a person, things that I never would have considered without actually experiencing them for real. Since then I have been on three more first dates, two in person and one over zoom.
This was a big step forward for me and it did confirm one thing for me: it is so easy to get into a relationship. The first guy I went out with texted me right after our date and wanted to know if I wanted to go out again. I knew I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to waste my time or his for that matter. But if I was desperate for a relationship, and I know so many girls/women who are just looking for a relationship, any relationship as long as the guy isn’t absolutely terrible. This guy wasn’t absolutely terrible, there were just all of these things that I didn’t like and that I know I don’t want to be around but I know that they could easily be overlooked. I know that I could’ve said yes to more dates and that I could quickly get into a relationship with him but it wouldn’t be a good one. It would just be mediocre, it would be one that I settled for.
I get why people settle. It’s hard not to settle, to be alone. It’s really difficult not to have anyone, to get good news and have no one to call about it, to feel down and have no one to talk to. I feel like if I’d gotten myself together earlier then I would have someone great to talk to but I was closed off for so long and I shut out everyone who got too close. I came to terms with that during quarantine, sometime after I posted about waiting for Prince Charming. I realized that I have so many issues with relationships. I have an insecure avoidant attachment type and I’ve got so many trust issues with other people and sometimes with myself. Just today I saw that my planner said that my morning class was just going to be some online assignment but then I second guessed myself and I freaked out because I doubted that I got that right. I thought I’d messed up and missed my class so I emailed my professor and there was nothing to worry about because there really was no class meeting today. I didn’t trust myself and I got all worked up over nothing.
I’ve worked on identifying my issues and confronting them which was why I went on these dates. They were good for me because dating was something I’ve always been so scared of. Now I’m not, I mean I still dread dates because I know for sure that I have so many more mediocre and bad dates ahead of me. If I settled I could avoid more first dates for a while but I’d be with someone who I’m not really interested in and who makes me feel like shutting up because they never seem interested in what I have to say or in my life.
Is it better to be alone than to settle? I certainly think so. Then again I’m used to being alone, I will always prefer my own company to the company of someone I don’t actually like. I know a lot of serial monogamists would disagree. They’re able to deal with mediocrity because in their minds it’s better than being alone. And they have other friends and other people they can talk to when someone isn’t interested in what they have to say. They always have backups. I have none. I’m very all or nothing when it comes to relationships and I’m not yet sure if that’s a good thing or not.
I imagine that my love life is like the song When I Fall in Love by Nat King Cole because I know that when I truly fall in love with someone that will be it. All of the things that would need to happen for me to fall in love seem so rare that I doubt I’ll have numerous great loves in my lifetime. I’ve heard that given my history and issues I may not be able to recognize a good person for me to be with but I sincerely doubt that. That kind of talk is what reinforces my distrust in my instincts and I’m going to stop doing that. I know myself and I’m going to trust that I know who is going to be good to have in my life. In conclusion, I have so many more dates ahead of myself but I’m not as scared and I’m not as closed off. I’m going into dating with the mindset that I’m looking for someone I want to talk to and who I feel comfortable with and enjoy hanging out with. All of the relationship labels and expectations are just the things that make people settle so that they don’t have to physically be alone.
