At first love was just something that never happened,
Another what if?
But then it grew.
As everyone around me fell in love or chose to avoid it
I longed for it.
When you’re a child
A kiss is just a kiss
The older you get the more meaning it has
It starts to represent love.
First love was something just out of reach
I read every article, watched every video, listened to every person
Who had any advice for young, lonely, single girls
I was told that I needed to love myself first
I was told that when you stop looking for a boyfriend
One will appear.
You have to stop trying.
To fall in love.
So that’s what I did.
I’ve always loved being alone
And I got really good at it.
Got good at feeling alone even when surrounded by people.
Got good at finding friend groups.
Got good at never letting anyone get too close.
I let someone in once.
A friend.
A best friend.
He helped me and he listened and he cared.
Until he didn’t.
Until he stopped being there and stopped listening and stopped caring.
I fell apart.
This was the evidence that my mind needed.
This is why you don’t let people in.
This is why it’s better to stay single.
Love was always something I never had.
I wanted to be in a relationship but it never happened.
So I stopped wanting it for myself.
I started reading romance and watching it in movies and tv shows.
I chose to never take dating apps seriously.
To never engage with any guys on them.
To delete the apps entirely.
I reimagined my life around being alone.
I decided that I don’t see myself getting married.
That I’m not the girl who falls in love,
Not the girl you fall in love with.
I got good at giving advice and at preaching singleness.
I found ways to crack jokes.
I found pride in my uniqueness.
The uniqueness of being almost 20
And never been kissed
And never gone on a date
And never been asked on a date,
Never being in love.
What do you do when you’ve made having never been kissed a personality trait?
Nothing.
Just keep pretending you feel nothing
And take comfort in all the love stories you read that will never be yours.
